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Healing the Loss Grief Support
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Courage and resilience during great change
Hilaryscott33 • February 9, 2020
March 2018
Healing the Loss
Courage and resilience during great change
“A good half of the art of living is resilience” ~ Alain de Botton
Loss can happen in slow increments. You may be anticipating the time when life will change greatly if you have a loved one with a terminal illness. Or loss can happen so suddenly that you remain in shock at its catastrophic occurrence far longer than you thought possible.
Over time, the impact and repercussions of a primary loss are known as secondary losses. This is something that is not generally acknowledged but most always experienced.
Secondary losses can include the loss of companionship, the loss of income and financial security, the loss of your home, employment or business. The loss of familiarity, of feeling safe and secure. Your role will have changed, and along with it, a loss of identity as a spouse, parent, sibling, family member, friend or caregiver.
If the loss is of your own health, it triggers many other losses: loss of mobility, control, functionality, finances.
There is the loss of the milestones without your loved one, the family structure, the hoped-for future together. There can be a loss of a sense of purpose, loss of memories, faith, and motivation. You can experience a change of your support systems: your friends, family, church, social life.
You may lose your strength and energy to work and to pursue activities you once enjoyed. You may experience sadness because friends distance themselves from you as you learn to navigate your changed life.
Many times in life we don’t acknowledge or take the time to grieve an event or loss that has happened to us in the past, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps we are just too busy and have to keep our heads down and keep going. Or perhaps we are told that it doesn’t matter. What can happen at times of great loss is that the accumulated grief from all of the unacknowledged loss over our lives collides with this primary loss and we are completely unprepared for the impact.
In order to mourn a loss, we must recognize and acknowledge it as such. We must acknowledge the importance and the validity of the ongoing secondary losses in our lives as we adapt, adjust and change to learn how to live without our loved one in this new role.
We can be surprised by our grief, the depth of it, how long it lasts, how it demands to be heard and felt and the physical and emotional consequences of not doing so.
Jill LaMoire from the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors says that “the changes death brings are physical, personal, social, spiritual, emotional and psychological. Death alters our environment to include a defined ending and the demand for a new beginning.” She goes on to say that “family and friends also need to recognize secondary losses and the associated grief they bring. In wanting to see their loved ones happy and ‘getting on with life’, they can unwittingly deny or disenfranchise real feelings of grief. Awareness, patience and understanding can help allow us to move through our grief.”
Navigating our way after a profound loss takes a lot of courage. It takes resilience. When a difficult grief-inducing moment happens (and this moment can be as seemingly harmless as “what does your husband do?” or “how many children do you have?” or “do you have any brothers or sisters?”) and you are taken out by the wave of sadness and shock that these simple questions produce.
When this happens, acknowledge the grief.
Validate and give yourself permission to be sad. You are honouring yourself, and the unique relationship you had with your loved one who died.
Carrying on, just simply carrying on after your whole life has changed is courageous and brave and resilient.
Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist ® and a Certified Loss and Grief Support® Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com, 902 529 0021
Healing the Loss on Facebook, www.healingtheloss.com
About five weeks ago I lost my balance and slammed my head into the corner of a wall (Dec 19 2016). I gave myself a pretty wicked concussion and am still dealing with the effects — feeling totally off balance, not able to focus well or be in loud environments. I am unable to multi-task or spend much time with people. Concentrating literally hurts. I am told to rest and be patient. Life is going by and I am pretty much stopped in my tracks. I did not plan for this, or truly understand the ramifications of this injury. I probably still don’t. I’ve had a lot of time to think while resting my eyes, and I’ve been thinking there are so many parallels to sudden injury and unexpected loss, to grief and healing. When you experience a profound loss the way to healing is to rest. It is listening to your body as it has suffered a shock and trauma. Your life as you knew it, has completely changed. You do not have the energy you once had or the patience or time for things that are no longer truly important. It is best for you to slow down and be very careful while you are grieving as you are preoccupied and accident prone. Taking time to heal involves limiting your circle of friends and loved ones to people who do not erode your very little energy, people who do not tell you what you should be doing and how you should be feeling. As much as you can, be around people who are understanding and supportive of your healing. Grief can be so very isolating and lonely, and like an injury, no one can heal for you. My clients often come to me to ask for a faster way to heal from grief. They need the debilitating pain to stop and they want to get back to normal. I wish I had a magic solution. Grief is the natural and normal emotional response to loss. There is no quick or easy way around this but to grieve. To rest, to take care of yourself, teat well and exercise your body; to listen to your own needs and talk through your pain with someone safe who will not invalidate your loss or minimize your feelings. A trusted person who will not give timelines for “getting over it” or make you feel crazy for being sad, someone who will be brave enough to honour and witness your pain, without trying to fix it. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Sadness is natural when you’ve experienced profound loss. Your life will not be the same. It will not go back to “normal.” But you will, given much time and healing, integrate the softened grief into your cells and heart where it will become a part of who you are. Sadness, joy, love and happiness are all part of you. This is what it is to be human. Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and a Certified Grief and Loss Support®. Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com. You can find Healing the Loss on Facebook and online at www.healingtheloss.com
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Hilary Anne Scott
Advanced Certified Grief Recovery Specialist AGRS®
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