No matter what our medical model or general culture believes, grief is healthy.

-- Franz Schubert --

There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow --

The work of the artist is to express what is repressed or even to speak the unspoken grief of society.

-- Franz Schubert --

You didn't need to learn something that only disaster could teach.

-- Megan Devine --

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.

-- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross --

Encouragement to look towards the future only ignores the pain you are in right now.

-- Megan Devine--

Grief is not an obstacle. Never let anyone convince you there's something wrong with your grief.

-- Tim Lawrence --

Grief is a sane response to the physical loss of someone, or something you love.

-- Megan Devine --

Perhaps one day we'll be more shocked when a heartbroken soul isn't expressing their grief than when they are.

-- Tim Lawrence --

“Grieving people want and need to be heard, not fixed”

-- Grief Recovery Method --

“When people say that time heals all wounds, they forget that all wounds are meant to be healed. Some wounds are merely held, caressed, acknowledged and wept for. There is nothing wrong with this”

-- Tim Lawrence--

“You want me to get over my loss? Actually it would make more sense for you to get over your need for me to get over my loss”

-- Tim Lawrence --

“We must grieve our unmet hopes, dreams and expectations"

-- Grief Recovery Method --

“We want them to stand beside us, not trying to fix what cannot be fixed, not trying to rush us out of our grief. We want them to stand there, without flinching, and acknowledge what is true: this hurts. This hurts. I’m here”

-- Megan Devine --

“Always defend your right to heal at your own pace. You are taking your time. You are allowed to take your time”

-- Rebecca Baldwin --

Healing the Loss Grief Support

Navigating your way through ...

There is no right way to grieve

Hilaryscott33 • February 9, 2020
APRIL 2018 COLUMN

HEALING THE LOSS

THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE

 “THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE. BUT THERE IS ONE WRONG WAY: TRYING NOT TO GRIEVE. NEVER GIVE IN TO PRESSURE TO HIDE OR SHAME YOUR PAIN. YOUR LOSS BELONGS TO YOU” ~ TIM LAWRENCE

Last months column touched on the idea of secondary losses after your primary loss. This is such a large subject and worth looking into a little bit more.
We have just passed Easter. Another big family holiday which can be rife with all kinds of pain for those experiencing loss. 
Even if your family is in tact, people who have children who are now grown can have feelings of grief around missing the traditions when their children were small. If you are going through financial hardship you are longing to provide more for family and yourself. If you are trying to navigate through divorce or breakup, this is a very distressing time. 
If you have been through the death of a loved one, you are missing their presence deeply. The empty chair is spotlighted and traditions, if carried on, have a very bittersweet quality to them.

We are coming in to a new season. Spring being the season of renewal and rebirth. It brings with it much longer days and warmer weather. This change can be hard on people who are used to the comfort of being home and cozy with nothing much expected of them as they can kind of hibernate during the colder months and take needed time for healing.

Spring and summer have assumptions of being out and social and doing things. This, to most of us, is a welcome change. To one who is grieving, it is another hurdle to navigate. Another season coming without their loved one or their life being in the place they hope for.

Grieving is exhausting. It comes with physical symptoms of overwhelming fatigue, confusion, concentration difficulties, sleep and appetite changes, aches and pains, anxiety attacks and so many more. These symptoms can last for far longer that anyone expects causing you to be very stressed about your health which then can compromise your immune system and round it goes.

We are taken by surprise at all the different faces and facets of grief. It really is something you do not understand until you experience it for yourself and of course everyone grieves differently and on different timelines and intensities than someone else. There is no comparing loss.

This is why it is so very difficult for our friends and loved ones to understand and to be truly able to support us in our loss. They try so very hard with the timelines of moving on and keeping busy and what to expect in your grief, not really knowing that the best thing to do is hold space. To be there when they need to talk and share. To invite them out and to be a part of things if they are able.
 
One of the most harmful of all of the effects of grief is social isolation. Someone experiencing grief over their loss or losses, does not want to be a burden to their friends and loved ones. They do not want to be perceived as the downer. Therefore, they put a positive spin on their life, they over use “I’m fine” and they minimize their pain in order to be included and not upset others. The toll this takes on a person, not being heard and acknowledged, can not be underestimated.

It does not matter how long it has been since your loved one has died. There will be times-holidays, anniversaries, the change of seasons, whatever it may be, that the grief and loss is just as fresh.

Please, remember your loved ones at this time, do not think that someone else has it covered. Call, reach out, be there in person. Show that you care and remember and honour the enormously challenging time they are having. Be it a fresh loss, or a long time ago, your kindness by remembering will be so appreciated and it will come back to you in untold ways.

Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist ® and a Certified Loss and Grief Support® Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com, 902 529 0021
Healing the Loss on Facebook, www.healingtheloss.com



Healing The Loss
By Hilary Anne Scott July 21, 2019
About five weeks ago I lost my balance and slammed my head into the corner of a wall (Dec 19 2016). I gave myself a pretty wicked concussion and am still dealing with the effects — feeling totally off balance, not able to focus well or be in loud environments. I am unable to multi-task or spend much time with people. Concentrating literally hurts. I am told to rest and be patient. Life is going by and I am pretty much stopped in my tracks. I did not plan for this, or truly understand the ramifications of this injury. I probably still don’t. I’ve had a lot of time to think while resting my eyes, and I’ve been thinking there are so many parallels to sudden injury and unexpected loss, to grief and healing. When you experience a profound loss the way to healing is to rest. It is listening to your body as it has suffered a shock and trauma. Your life as you knew it, has completely changed. You do not have the energy you once had or the patience or time for things that are no longer truly important. It is best for you to slow down and be very careful while you are grieving as you are preoccupied and accident prone. Taking time to heal involves limiting your circle of friends and loved ones to people who do not erode your very little energy, people who do not tell you what you should be doing and how you should be feeling. As much as you can, be around people who are understanding and supportive of your healing. Grief can be so very isolating and lonely, and like an injury, no one can heal for you. My clients often come to me to ask for a faster way to heal from grief. They need the debilitating pain to stop and they want to get back to normal. I wish I had a magic solution. Grief is the natural and normal emotional response to loss. There is no quick or easy way around this but to grieve. To rest, to take care of yourself, teat well and exercise your body; to listen to your own needs and talk through your pain with someone safe who will not invalidate your loss or minimize your feelings. A trusted person who will not give timelines for “getting over it” or make you feel crazy for being sad, someone who will be brave enough to honour and witness your pain, without trying to fix it. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Sadness is natural when you’ve experienced profound loss. Your life will not be the same. It will not go back to “normal.” But you will, given much time and healing, integrate the softened grief into your cells and heart where it will become a part of who you are. Sadness, joy, love and happiness are all part of you. This is what it is to be human. Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and a Certified Grief and Loss Support®. Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com. You can find Healing the Loss on Facebook and online at www.healingtheloss.com
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