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The many causes of grief
Hilaryscott33 • February 9, 2020
February 2, 2019
HEALING THE LOSS
THE MANY CAUSES OF GRIEF
“Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind”'
This definition by the Grief Recovery Method helps us to understand that grief is an appropriate reaction to any loss. When we think of grieving, we know that it happens after a death of a loved one, and perhaps after a divorce or breakup.
Today, I’d like to concentrate on the grief surrounding chronic illness and injury. The ongoing losses that occur under these conditions including looking backwards with regret to see what the illness has taken away, and looking forward, to an uncertain future. These conditions apply to aging and mental health challenges as well.
These are all enormous topics of great depth and complexity, and for the purpose of this column I will just be able to touch on a few points.
Experiencing chronic illness means accumulating a myriad of losses. The width and depth of your losses depend on the severity of your illness and the limitations it causes you. The loss of good health starts a flood of secondary losses.
From a column in Social Work Today, Mila Tecala of the Centre for Loss and Grief in Washington, DC, explains that “depending on the nature of the illness, the losses may include comfort, sexual function, career, income, self-efficacy, freedom, cognitive function, intimacy, pride, joy, self-esteem, self-control, independence, mental health, hope, dignity and certainty. In the most extreme cases, one illness may bring about all of these losses, sometimes over and over again.”
The grief surrounding these losses may go unrecognized, not only by the person with the illness, but by their loved ones as well. There is such pressure to be “fine,” and the urge not to burden the people who love you by expressing your valid grief. This can have additional severe consequences for your overall health and well being.
Tecala goes on to say “because chronic illness can strip away many of the characteristics that form identity at the same time it causes disability and the loss of livelihood, the totality of the losses is potentially enormous. Since these losses aren’t tied to one event but are multiple and repetitive, the ill person may live with perpetual grief, known as chronic sorrow or sadness.”
The ripple effect of chronic illness on family members and loved ones can be profound, as they realize that their loved one’s future is changed, and they may not be able to participate or contribute as they once did. Family members and partners face having to be a caregiver to their loved one experiencing the chronic illness, which also changes their lives, and their hopes and dreams as well. This is a complicated mix of emotions, and feelings of loss, guilt, resentment, anger, fear and grief that needs to be expressed.
In many cases people with chronic illness may not realize that they are experiencing manifestations of grief. Health care providers who are concentrating on treatment may also be unaware, or not have the time or resources to help. There is still stigma attached to seeking help and support, so many people feel isolated in their losses and their grief.
Friends and family can be incredibly supportive; however, they may not know how to help, or they may be so overwhelmed that they do not have the strength, time, or ability to know what to do. They are also grieving along with the person experiencing the illness, just in different ways and depths.
When someone who is living with chronic illness of any kind reaches out to you for support -- which is incredibly difficult to do – be very careful not to be dismissive, or invalidate their concerns.
For example, saying “it could be worse,” or “you look fine,” are statements that invalidate a person’s emotional suffering. Listening, witnessing, and offering empathy is a huge gift, as I have stated many times. By doing this, you are offering a place for unloading their burden and opening up room for a little joy, if only for a time.
It’s hard to ask for help. People do not want to be a burden, and they can become isolated, which creates a never-ending loop of more misery. If a loved one is living with chronic illness, make sure you reach out and address the isolation. Do not forget about the caregivers, and their grief and isolation as well. Give them a break, and support. If you are living with chronic illness, try to reach out, become informed about grief surrounding chronic illness and above all, be compassionate with yourself.
Hilary Scott
Healing the Loss
Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®
Certified Loss and Grief Support®
www.healingtheloss.com
hscott@healingtheloss.com
About five weeks ago I lost my balance and slammed my head into the corner of a wall (Dec 19 2016). I gave myself a pretty wicked concussion and am still dealing with the effects — feeling totally off balance, not able to focus well or be in loud environments. I am unable to multi-task or spend much time with people. Concentrating literally hurts. I am told to rest and be patient. Life is going by and I am pretty much stopped in my tracks. I did not plan for this, or truly understand the ramifications of this injury. I probably still don’t. I’ve had a lot of time to think while resting my eyes, and I’ve been thinking there are so many parallels to sudden injury and unexpected loss, to grief and healing. When you experience a profound loss the way to healing is to rest. It is listening to your body as it has suffered a shock and trauma. Your life as you knew it, has completely changed. You do not have the energy you once had or the patience or time for things that are no longer truly important. It is best for you to slow down and be very careful while you are grieving as you are preoccupied and accident prone. Taking time to heal involves limiting your circle of friends and loved ones to people who do not erode your very little energy, people who do not tell you what you should be doing and how you should be feeling. As much as you can, be around people who are understanding and supportive of your healing. Grief can be so very isolating and lonely, and like an injury, no one can heal for you. My clients often come to me to ask for a faster way to heal from grief. They need the debilitating pain to stop and they want to get back to normal. I wish I had a magic solution. Grief is the natural and normal emotional response to loss. There is no quick or easy way around this but to grieve. To rest, to take care of yourself, teat well and exercise your body; to listen to your own needs and talk through your pain with someone safe who will not invalidate your loss or minimize your feelings. A trusted person who will not give timelines for “getting over it” or make you feel crazy for being sad, someone who will be brave enough to honour and witness your pain, without trying to fix it. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Sadness is natural when you’ve experienced profound loss. Your life will not be the same. It will not go back to “normal.” But you will, given much time and healing, integrate the softened grief into your cells and heart where it will become a part of who you are. Sadness, joy, love and happiness are all part of you. This is what it is to be human. Hilary Scott is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and a Certified Grief and Loss Support®. Contact her at hscott@healingtheloss.com. You can find Healing the Loss on Facebook and online at www.healingtheloss.com
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Hilary Anne Scott
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